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Survivor of Sibling and Regular Sexual abuse
I've been sexually abused by three different people in my life. When i was 6 i was sexually abused by my older brother who was 11 years old at the time. I never really thought of it till 14 years later but this has fucked me up a lot. I was made fun of by my brother and his friends. They would call me gay then i would be abused by my brother later that night. I am in fact sexually fluid finding this out at 19 but i tend to gravitate more towards females. My brother would force me to preform oral intercourse on him. We shared a room so it was easy for him to do these things without us getting into trouble. I was also taken control of a family friend who was a couple years younger than my brother. He used to come over all the time and would tell me to do things i was uncomfortable with. He took advantage and had his way with me when i was 7 and its scary because i remember seeing blood and not knowing what to think. I didn’t know if id be okay. This went on for about a year and the encounters with my brother went on for about 6 months. Fast forward 12 years and i was drugged and raped by this big man who took me into his home he was a bigger guy so he put his weight on top of me so i could get out. It was on a school night i dont remember much of the encounter but i remember getting home taking a shower in the dead night and crying. This is what led to my relapses about what had happened to me when i was younger. Im getting a relapse of memories feeling uncomfortable around my brother after we had just started to bond after going through our i hate you phase. And it sucks. I dont know if id ever be able to tell anyone about what has happened to me. My mom would probably have a heart attack my dad would shame my brother whos life already took a 180 turn. I feel like i struggle to have a normal life. I can barely have sex because i get weird from the trauma. I cant talk about it because everyones concept of masculinity is so fucked up that i cant express myself cause guys are always supposed to be horny and cant get raped because they are supposed to always like sex. I cant establish an emotional connection with girls that i have been sprung head over heels for because i feel like i cant satisfy their needs in bed and i dont know how to fucken talk to people. I cant talk to my therapist about this situation because the ones that i have access to are mandated reporters and by law would have to open up an investigation. So here i am reddit. Telling you guys my story in hope to alleviate whats on my mind. I feel nasty used abused dirty. Trying to get out of my comfort zone last year i was in a relationship and when we had sex and i came i would get all weird and i would isolate myself by going to the bathroom for a couple seconds. I would just feel weird and nasty as if i couldn't even have sex without being reminded of what had happened. As of today i'm currently single im on anti depressants because of my anxiety and depression and i have been trying to conquer these demons that i have because all i've ever wanted in life is to be able to be emotionally involved with a big family and a loving wife, but as of today its still a ongoing battle that is just beginning. Category:Confession stories